Accidental: A wrong note.

B Natural: Something you try in vain to do on stage.

Cor Anglais: Cockney.

Decomposition: A composition that stinks.

Ethnic music: Monotonous music performed in fancy dress.

Fine: Passable.

Grand: What pianos are not.

Heavy metal: Harp.

Inner rhythms: Hunger pains.

Jazz: Originally a four letter word. Still a four letter word.

Karaoke: Japanese for "bedlam".

Lute: Preferred to a cheque.

Metronome:Vertically challenged busker on the Paris metro.

Naafi: Elephant's graveyard for naff pianos

Overture: Chat-up.

Piped music: Music indigenous to the Scottish Highlands and Dagenham.

Quaver: Stage fright.

Runs: After effects of a Vindaloo.

Subdominant: Masochist.

Triad: Booking agency operating from Chinatown.

Underdamped: A condition common in pub pianos.

Vibraphone: Sex chat-line.

Wolfnote: Billet-doux.

Xmas: Festival invented by Irving Berlin.

Yerba buena: Spanish for "good grass".

Zweiunddreissigstel: German for demisemiquaver. The shortes note with the longest name.