""e mail gems"'s topics - tribe.net

e mail from big brother......

susaan — Wed, 18 Apr 2007 17:59:00 GMT

i actually got this from my local government office one time "Due to unforseen circumstances, the forthcoming astrology classes will be cancelled"----s.

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Letter of complaint

bobs — Thu, 13 Apr 2006 12:48:06 GMT

Note: NTL is the UK and Ireland's largest cable operator and a leading provider of broadband and communications services. NTL has over three million telephone, TV and internet customers, a third of which are broadband subscribers.

This is the Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words. It is a real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)

Dear Cretins;

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was canceled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.

Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

John

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The "real" Simpsons

bobs — Fri, 10 Mar 2006 10:39:13 GMT

http://youtube.com/watch?v=49IDp76kjPw

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Hormone hostage

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 16:36:57 GMT

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the
month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and
he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a
handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the
wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate. !

Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those
who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a
warning! And remember: Money talks...but chocolate
sings.

Another thing to giggle about... My significant other,
not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring
the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a
bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me diamonds. Here have some chocolate

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A man walks into a restaurant.................

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 16:17:47 GMT

...........................with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As
he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man
says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Turning to the
ostrich, he asks, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll
have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change!

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will
have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me,"
says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That
will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his
pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of
your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most! people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say

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Disorder in court:

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 15:55:55 GMT

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're things
people actually said in court, word for word....

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did
you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed
and put on top of my head.

CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the
truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say:"Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse
down the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you
were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George"

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Oil change instructions:

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 15:29:01 GMT

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total: $21.00

--

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a
check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag
pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole
in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids' sandbox to cleverly cover oily
patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December
(1992) in the left boob, messing up favorite calendar pic.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test-drive car.

47) Get pulled over, arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
Beer $40.00
Bail $1500.00
Impound fee $75.00
DUI $2500.00
Total: $4165.00

-- But you know the job was done right

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Axis of evil

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 15:25:51 GMT

ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL
Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start
Own Clubs :

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil,"
Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of
Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid
Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of
the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as
having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as
Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il.
"Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded,
although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of
Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar
al-Assad.

"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained ex-Iraqi
President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In
World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So
you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

THE AXIS PANDEMIC

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift,
as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in
what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia
said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to
join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while
Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much
Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs
filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called
the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be
Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the
Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty
Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand
established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear
Lipstick.

"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said
Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps
making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes,
although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose
Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false
application.Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the
charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but
privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

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All you really need to know about Government and Bureaucracy:

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 15:20:37 GMT

** Pythagorean theorem: ... 24 words.
** Lord's prayer: ... 66 words.
** Archimedes' Principle: ... 67 words.
** 10 Commandments: ... 179 words.
** Gettysburg address: ... 286 words.
** Declaration of Independence: ... 1,300 words.
** US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: ... 26,911 words.

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Sex at the speed of light!

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 15:12:31 GMT

The Joy of Sexual Physics

with Dr John

"Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics"

TOP 10 REASONS WHY SEX AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT IS NOT AN ADVISABLE FORM OF PROCREATION

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

10. Penile length contraction:

According to the relativistic theory of length contraction, this is an inevitable consequence of performing sex at the speed of light. An average penis of length 13cm traveling at 99% the speed of light will contract down to a length of only 1.8cm (this is about the same length as the smallest functional penis officially recorded). At the speed of light, length contraction leads to an interesting paradox in which the penis seems to have no length at all, but is still managing to have sex somehow.
9. Penile black hole formation:

At the speed of light, relativity also predicts that the penis will attain infinite mass, essentially becoming a black hole. When its owner realises that his penis has turned into a black hole, he will become profoundly depressed and overcome by a feeling of loss. John Bobbitt would understand; but Mr Bobbitt had his penis sewn back on, whereas a penis lost to a black hole is a penis lost forever.
8. Penis vaporisation:

If the penis is not lost to a black hole, it will be lost to the uncaring force of friction. A penis traveling in and out of a vagina at close to the speed of light will be subjected to enormous resistive forces. Since resistive forces are proportional to speed, this will heat up the penis enormously. The temperature of the resulting internal environment will be so high that the penis molecules will actually undergo a phase transition into a gas, vaporising the penis almost instantaneously.
7. Relativistic flaming semen:

In the unlikely event that a vaporised penis can perform ejaculation, then the relativistic semen will create enormous air resistance, burst into flames almost instantaneously, and generate enormous impact forces. These forces will be sufficient to pierce a small hole straight through a woman's lower torso, just like a speeding bullet, only incinerating the surrounding tissue as it passes through.
6. Time-dilated necrophilia:

Unfortunately, the woman will probably be dead before ejaculation anyway. According to the relativistic theory of time dilation, then if the man is to actually thrust in and out at a speed infinitesimally close to the speed of light, then from his point of view, his partner will be ageing extremely quickly, and will be long dead before he ejaculates. Legally, he will be committing necrophilia.
5. Lack of visual appeal:

Time-dilated necrophilia, flaming relativistic ejaculation and penile black hole formation are all very dramatic, but unfortunately they don't translate well onto the big screen. In reality, relativistic sex would only last for a fraction of a second, and would appear as a sort of muddy grayish white smudge, since the eye merges all images together at such high speeds. This is probably not visually appealing enough to make a porn-at-the-speed-of-light series out of.
4. Religious values:

Certain branches of Christianity would view porn-at-the-speed-of-light immoral anyway. It's in the Bible.
3. Property damage:

A penis is made up of a collection of charged molecules, and accelerating charged molecules emit radiation. To accelerate charged penis molecules up to the speed of light in a single thrust requires enormous acceleration. This will produce a frequency and intensity of radiation similar to that produced by a small nuclear explosion. It may be worth hiring out a hotel room if you don't want your own room obliterated.
2. Deafening sonic booms:

As a penis accelerates up to the speed of light, it will inevitably surpass the sound barrier, producing deafening sonic booms with every inward and outward thrust. If the neighbours haven't already been woken by your moaning, they will be now. Or then again maybe not, because they will be conveniently deafened and unable to hear you.
1. Excessive dietary requirements:

The amount of energy required to accelerate an average person up to 99% the speed of light for a single inward thrust is approximately equal to 16 million billion kilojoules. This is equivalent to the amount of energy gained by consuming 78 trillion weetbix. But 78 trillion weetbix will increase an average person's mass by approximately 1.2 trillion kilograms, requiring them to eat even more weetbix just to accelerate this additional load up to the speed of light. Nine out of ten nutritionists may recommend weetbix, but this is slightly more than the recommended daily intake.

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ABC of Musical Definitions.

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 15:11:10 GMT

Accidental: A wrong note.

B Natural: Something you try in vain to do on stage.

Cor Anglais: Cockney.

Decomposition: A composition that stinks.

Ethnic music: Monotonous music performed in fancy dress.

Fine: Passable.

Grand: What pianos are not.

Heavy metal: Harp.

Inner rhythms: Hunger pains.

Jazz: Originally a four letter word. Still a four letter word.

Karaoke: Japanese for "bedlam".

Lute: Preferred to a cheque.

Metronome:Vertically challenged busker on the Paris metro.

Naafi: Elephant's graveyard for naff pianos

Overture: Chat-up.

Piped music: Music indigenous to the Scottish Highlands and Dagenham.

Quaver: Stage fright.

Runs: After effects of a Vindaloo.

Subdominant: Masochist.

Triad: Booking agency operating from Chinatown.

Underdamped: A condition common in pub pianos.

Vibraphone: Sex chat-line.

Wolfnote: Billet-doux.

Xmas: Festival invented by Irving Berlin.

Yerba buena: Spanish for "good grass".

Zweiunddreissigstel: German for demisemiquaver. The shortes note with the longest name.

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5 tips for women!

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 15:07:50 GMT

1. It is important to have a man who helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important to have a man who makes you laugh.

3. It is important to have a man who you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important to have a man who loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't get to meet each other.

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The perfect husband

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 15:06:02 GMT

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and
begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing . The house we wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him
in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs
to?"

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Facelift:

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 15:04:35 GMT

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends
$5,000.00
and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving
she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old
do
you think I am?"
"About 32," the clerk replies.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the same question.
She replies, "I'd guess about 29".
The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47."
Now she is feeling really good about herself.
Then while waiting for the bus home, she asks a nice older man the same
question.
He replies, "I'm 68 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young
there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to
let me put my hands down your panties. Then I can tell exactly how old
you
are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best
of
the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead."
The old man slips both hands down her panties and begins to feel around.
After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing. How do you know?"
The old man replies with a satisfied smile, "I was standing behind you
at
McDonalds."

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from test papers and essays

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 15:03:38 GMT

These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades.

"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

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Men in coats

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 15:00:05 GMT

This is hilarious!

http://www.koreus.com/media/men-in-coats.html

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Overheard on a bus:

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 14:47:13 GMT

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa?
"I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

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Washington chemistry mid term:

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 14:43:41 GMT

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it online.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it
will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at
which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept
shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY " A"

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Marriage???

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 14:34:16 GMT

Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules.

Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me.

Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ......... whether you're here or not."

(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************
Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
******************************
Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either, and storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings,and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

******************************************
Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

**************************************
Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at
5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

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Red shirt

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 14:25:44 GMT

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, 'Bring me my red shirt!' The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, 'Bring me my red shirt!' And once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, 'Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?' The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, 'If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.' The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!'

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Tech support:

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 14:24:03 GMT

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0

and noticed a distinct slow-down in the overall

performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry

applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other

valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal

Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable

programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6

simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging

5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Desperate:

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an

Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an

Operating System.

Try to enter the command: "C:/I_THOUGHT_YOU_LOVED_ME" to

download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install

Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed,

Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the

applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

Remember, though, that overuse of the above

application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy

Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer

6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring

Loudly 10.8.

Whatever you do: DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or

reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not

supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it

does have limited memory and cannot learn new

applications quickly. You might consider buying

additional software to improve memory and performance.

I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support.

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What is love?

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 14:15:09 GMT

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.

So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

Rebecca- age 8

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.

You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."

Billy - age 4

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

Karl - age 5

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

Chrissy - age 6

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

Terri - age 4

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

Danny - age 7

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"

Emily - age 8

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."

Bobby - age 7
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."

Nikka - age 6
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday."

Noelle - age 7

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."

Tommy - age 6

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

Cindy - age 8

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"My mommy loves me more than anybody .

You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

Clare - age 6

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."

Elaine-age 5

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."

Chris - age 7

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

Mary Ann - age 4

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

Lauren - age 4

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
Karen - age 7

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."

Mark - age 6

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

Jessica - age 8

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.

The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"

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Cultural Differences Explained

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 14:13:11 GMT

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to
your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic
to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be
bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches,
to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey,
hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in
every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say
in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor
in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor
in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are
inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

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A drink for the lady:

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 14:11:29 GMT

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the
gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and
decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering
for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the
gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches
in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
to return this to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8,
a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over
twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman
as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle
back."

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Frisky in the jar

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 14:08:58 GMT

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him
the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The
doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's
like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I
tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her
left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth
in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up
Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands,
then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but
still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

"Yep, the old man replied, and no matter what we tried, we still
couldn't get the jar open."

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Equal Opportunity

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 14:05:48 GMT

The Canine Applicant

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the
window saying:

HELP WANTED Must be a good typist and be good with a computer.
Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity
Employer.

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the
window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist
and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it,
whined and pawed the air. The receptionist called the office manager.
He was surprised, to say the least to see a canine applicant. However,
the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager
expectantly. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you
must be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and
proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the
page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back
up on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but
I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good
with a computer."

The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to
demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample
spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that
you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but
you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his
paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."

The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the sign says. But the
sign also says you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow!!!"

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Man versus Woman:

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 14:03:44 GMT

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

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What I want in a man:

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 14:01:48 GMT

Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

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Advice please?

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 14:00:44 GMT

This test has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

-------------------------

THE SITUATION

You are in New Orleans to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situa! tion is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

==============================================

THE TEST

Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's the President, George W. Bush. At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options- you can save thelife of the President, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most famousmen.

==============================================

THE QUESTION

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer....... Would you
select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic
simplicity of black and white?

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Warranty Card

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 13:58:11 GMT

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.
In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt.
[_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
First Name:.....................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name:......................................................
Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name:.....................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude:........... ........... ..........
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day):19....... /....... /.......
4. Serial Number:.................................................
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Flown in from Iraq during Gulf War and appropriated
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decisionto purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Central / South America
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq
9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Cray or other supercomputer
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Nintendo 64
[_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?
(Check all that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check
12. Your occupation
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student
13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicatethe interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participatingon a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?
Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division

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10 husbands:

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 13:55:07 GMT

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God, I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!

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Peter Kay theories:

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 13:52:52 GMT

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when
your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008
into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have
a fire in your back garden.
9) Everyone who has just read no.5 has just typed it into a calculator.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call
your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've
got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping
on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

posted in ""e mail gems" - 0 replies

Another true story!

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 13:51:30 GMT

Might be something to consider if you're having trouble figuring out a gift to get someone. :)

Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years - and each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube. The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin. Now Collette's plotting his revenge--if he can get them out. It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Ill. Kunkel's mother had given her son the britches when he was a college student. He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather and he didn't like them. So he gave them to Collette. Collette, who called the moleskins "miserable", wore them three times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas the next year.

The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and gave them back to Kunkel. The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette. Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.

The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever. Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette. Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following Christmas. Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's name on the side. Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.

Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville. Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment. "This will take some planning," Collette said. "I will definitely get them out. I'm confident." But he's waiting until January to think about how to recover the bothersome britches.

"Wait until next year," he warned. "I'm on the offensive again."

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True story!

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 13:50:04 GMT

A guy is at the supermarket when he notices that the rather good looking blonde behind him has just
raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken back that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, so he
says "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time that he had been unfaithful.
"Christ!" he says, "are you that strip-o-gram on my stag night that I
screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your friend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."

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Women over 30:

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 13:48:04 GMT

This is for all you girls 30 years and over and
for those who are turning 30, and for those who are
scared of moving into their 30's... AND for guys who
are scared of girls over 30!!!!...

This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes.
Andy Rooney says:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30
most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle
of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?"
She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game,
she doesn't sit around whining about it.
She does something she wants to do.
And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough
to be assured in who she is, what she is,
what she wants and from whom.
Few women past the age of 30 give a damn
what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 30 are dignified.
They seldom have a screaming match with you
at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.
Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot
you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.
They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce
you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man
will often ignore even her best friend because she
doesn't trust the guy with other women.

Women over 30 couldn't care less
if you're attracted to her friends because she knows
her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to
confess your sins to a woman over 30.
They always know.

A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red
lipstick. This is not true of younger women.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two,a woman over
30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll
tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are
acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder
where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of
reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.
For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman
of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow
pants making a fool of his 30+ self
with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say,
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for
free", here is an update for you.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an
entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

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Musical Definitions:

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 13:46:58 GMT

p - piano (soft) - the neighbours have complained

f - forte (loud) - the neighbouts are out

Crescendo - getting louder - testing the neighbours tollerance level

ff - fortissimo (VERY loud) - to hell with the neighbours

pp - pianissimo (VERY soft) - the neighbours are at the door

Dim - thick

Obbligato - being forced to practice

Rit (and/or) Rall - coming up to the bit you haven't practiced

Con moto - I have a car

Allegro - a little motor car

Maestro - a bigger motor car

Metronome - person small enough to fit comfortably into a Mini

Lento - the days leading up to Easto (with eggo and choco and things)

Largo - brewed in Germany (hence "Handel's Largo reaches parts other beers cannot reach")

Piu Animato - if you don't clean that rabbit out it will have to go

Interval - time to meet the players in the bar

Perfect Interval - when drinks are on the house

Cantabile - singing (that is, viz. drunk)

Con spirito - drunk again

Cantata - a fizzy drink

Tutti - ice cream

Coda - served with chipsa

Codetta - child's portion

Chords - things that organists play with one finger

Dischords - things that organists play with two fingers

Suspended chord - for lynching the soloist

Rubato - ointment for the musician's back

Subdominant - "I can't play until I've asked the wife"

Tonic - a pick-me-up

Syncopation - bowel contition brought on by an overdose of Jazz

Crotchet - knitting

Quaver - the feeling you get before a lesson when you haven't practiced

Key signatures - silly things put there to frighten you (ignore them - they will go away and so will your audience)

Time signatures - things for drummers to ignore

Colla voce - this shirt is so tight I can't talk

Professional - anyone who can't hold down a steady job

Flats - English apartments

A tempo - in time

A tempo de cafe - Ah, coffee time!

Improvisation - what you do when the music falls down

Fugue - clever stuff

Prelude - warm-up session before the clever stuff

Acciaccatura/appoggiatura - insects

Opus - exclamation made when Moggy has done a "whoopsie" on the carpet

Scales - fishy things

Trill - bird food

Virtuoso - someone who can work wonders with easy-play music

Antiphonal - crossed lines

Melody - an ancient and now extinct art in songwriting

Music - Happiness

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Borneo

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 13:45:05 GMT

A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."
Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks (to coin a phrase), and he yelled at the guide,
" The Drums have stopped, What happens now?"
The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said:
" Bass Solo"

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CDC Bulletin:

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 13:44:04 GMT

As passed along from a confidential, unnamed source:

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease.

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior.

The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him."

Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years.

Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behavior.

Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.

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Qantus

bobs — Sun, 05 Feb 2006 13:41:42 GMT

Qantas Airlines ???gripes and fixes???.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P= the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= the solution and/or action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle leve to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

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